I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
