I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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