i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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