Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
