i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
