I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
