i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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