We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
