my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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