One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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