that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
