If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
