Your face is a jimmy john
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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