Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
