im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you didnt know i had herpes?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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