i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Randomize
