Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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