I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Randomize
