Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
