sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
