wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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