the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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