mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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