i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
