I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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