i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
