So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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