My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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