I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
