yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
