There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
