you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
