mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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