i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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