Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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