Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
