What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
