I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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