While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
