just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
