oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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