it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
