I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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