halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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