I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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