He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize