Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
