She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
