it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
