News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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