Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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