the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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