today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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