We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
