whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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