Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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