Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
there is glitter all over my balls
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
