Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
