Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
